All the Shades of Racism & What It Taught Me
My Indian national grandmother sent me some Ayurvedic lentil powder to wash my face when I was 12. It came with this message “Use this powder to become fair, to marry a nice husband.” As a third culture kid in Malaysia, I thought it was preposterous for her to even insinuate I was anything other than the superbly beautiful girl I was in all my dark-skinned glory. I was so perplexed, I asked my mother what she meant by that. She smirked, knowing the sick fascination Indians have with light skin colour all too well. She responded, “Ammachi sent this powder because it will lighten your skin and improve your chances of marrying well.” It was the start of a very rebellious journey that began with rejecting my grandmother and all that was Indian.
Funnily enough, I did marry well. I married a beautiful & kind, vanilla white American man who believes in equality & compassion. We currently reside in a suburb of Minneapolis, Minnesota, just a short drive from where George Floyd was brutally and unjustifiably murdered. The rioting and looting that began here spread like a tremendous wave touching everything in its wake & jolting us all out of our complicit silence. It is the force that is galvanizing this great awakening that has the potential to transform and re-envision a new way of experiencing ourselves and others.
Being one who has experienced systemic racism all my life & encountered it internationally, I felt called to share my experiences as a person of colour. To contribute to open dialogue about internalised racism & the ways we can face it head-on to constructively discharge the pent up energy that lives within us, keeping us caged & enslaved.
My earliest memory is of my schoolmates mistaking my shiny chocolate complexion for being “dirty” while growing up in my multiethnic home country. I was flabbergasted! As a 7-year-old, I was also taunted by the word “Keling” a racial slur that loosely means black devil. I battled with those words for many years. The poison grew into a dissociation from my Indian heritage. The rejection ran deep & alienation started to bud.
Due to Malaysia’s long-standing history as an important centre during the spice trade, it was a spicy melting pot of cultures. The natives of the land, the Malays made up the majority, followed by the Chinese, indigenous peoples & other minorities. The Indians were brought from British India to work in the plantations during colonial rule between the 18th and 20th centuries. Racial inequity developed which caused racial riots to break out that incurred a painfully high number of casualties. In the spirit of reform, Affirmative Action was enacted in favour of the native Malays. After decades of implementation, the policy has caused non-Malays to suffer from inequality and the policy was never amended or discussed — a Malaysian version of systemic racism. This inequality has resulted in an economic advantage for the native Malays in the areas of employment, housing, loan, ownership of public company stock & other assorted quotas. The experience, abilities, merit and genuine calibre of those who were more qualified were thrown out to meet the quotas set out by the policy. The imbalance keeps other peoples marginalised while native Malays continue to reap the benefits of a system that no longer serves its original purpose.
Apart from covert racism, White Saviour Complex also exists within Malaysians. English colonization brought certain advancements such as the language coupled with opportunity, access to global markets & accompanying infrastructure. However, the subconscious White Saviour imprinting was not something that escaped me. All around me, I saw Malaysians worship all things white, our advertisements are still filled with white people who don’t look anything like most Malaysians. Our pageants are won by Malaysians who carry white genes in their blood & skin. Even in my own family, the fact that I married a white man is a source of pride. As if his white skin colour elevates us all by association.
I began to question these things as a young adult but it wasn’t until I became attracted to a Jamaican man that it began to unravel. His appeal was undeniable, so much so that I realized that I had never been with anyone of my skin colour. I had been with partners of all races, especially white but never dark brown or black. Being with him caused me to inquire within. There was intense fear. “Where is it coming from?” I felt triggered and nervous which was utterly bizarre for me. I kept seeking answers until I came to understand that it was a response from my nervous system. He was the same skin colour as my deceased brother, who abused me sexually. My body was sending me signals for self-preservation. My survival instincts had kicked in with a bang! Once I received that painful glimpse, I was able to trace my peculiar response to its origins & truly witness how internalised my racism was when triggered. I noticed how I looked down on other Indians or felt fear around groups of dark-skinned men. I was shocked to see everyone around me doing it too! When a person of colour approached, I would observe others; the furtive glances, the fear in their eyes, the contraction in their bodies. I recognized these same patterns of behaviour in myself. It became clear that we are all suffering from a degree of racism in one way or another. The question is, what can we do about it?
Our nervous systems are amazing. When there is danger, they alert us to fight, flee or even freeze. In the book The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind & Body in the Healing of Trauma, an eminent psychologist in the field of trauma, Bessel Van der Kolk talks about Effective Action versus Immobilization. He states that effective action as the result of flight/flight ends the threat. Immobilization keeps the body in a state of inescapable shock & learned helplessness.
When we sense fear or feel triggered by an object (which in this case is a person on colour) we have an opportunity to witness our trauma response. Observe your breathing. Is the body tense? Are you trying to flee? Are you ready to fight?
The first step out of this learned helplessness starts with taking action within ourselves. Take action by being a witness of your own body. Our intelligent bodies even know how to discharge & end the cycle of activation or the perceived fear & hormonal response in the body. In this article, I will help you understand your nervous system so that you can experiencing your body’s innate wisdom. I also offer free community workshops where I guide you through this process.
The inequality in Malaysia was unbearable, so I left home, like many who seek a fair & brighter future(pun intended). To this date, Malaysia suffers from a brain drain, the inequity of opportunity as direct result of the policy. As it turns out, racism abroad didn’t leave me unscathed. While living along the French Riviera, working part-time on luxurious yachts, I registered with a company that hired deckhands. With prior experience in first-class cabins as a flight attendant, I was experienced in this field in comparison to other young travellers who’d never worked in this capacity. I had an effervescent relationship with the boss of the company who was also a person of colour. On our way to a job interview on a yacht bound for Turkey, I was shocked and saddened to hear him say “ You will never get a full-time job working & living on a yacht because the extremely wealthy do not associate dark-skinned people with luxury.” I looked at him in disbelief & naively told him that it could not be true, that it was illogical & that I was going to succeed in this field on the strength of my experience & confidence. I was down to my last €20 when I decided to throw the towel in & catch a train from Monaco to Milan, Italy.
Italy, the only place I have ever known that celebrates dark skin colour audaciously. What a breath of fresh air! Everyone I met, told me how beautiful my dark “Bronzata” skin was, which translates into bronzed. They wanted it, they celebrated it and worshipped it. I’d never felt so beautifully perceived as I did there. It was a stark difference. In Asia, all beauty products are marketed towards acquiring fairer skin. In Italy, it was vice versa. The darker, the better. I found my rightful place on the throne, where I sat as an inimitable dark goddess of beauty. “I am brown & gloriously beautiful!” For once, I could declare my self-love & appreciation for this brown, sultry, radiant beauty that I possessed with fierce abandon. How could everyone else not see? Oh, my goddess, what a celebration!
Unfortunately, this value of skin colour didn’t extend to my independently wealthy employers in Italy. Their children admitted to me that their parents told them I came from a poor country and I had no other choice but to work as a teacher. Nevermind that my country of origin is one of the most developed countries in Asia & that I had many options but chose to teach. My skin colour was all they needed to determine my background. It didn’t take long for me to leave that job as my employers’ true sentiments started to manifest.
The most hurtful racist barbs came from those I consider to have a similar background. As a native English speaker, I found living in Australia to be especially searing. Australia & Malaysia are part of the commonwealth, a term for all former territories of the British Empire. Having lived in England for some years, I had acquired a slightly British accent, so it was fascinating to observe untravelled Australians constantly correct my pronunciation & dismiss the English pronunciation. Australians are known for their distinct accent inflexion. Frequently, I was schooled on the ‘well known’ Australian fact that I was Indian and not Asian and that I was not knowledgeable enough to know the difference. It was yet another case of the white man defining who I am for me, dictating how I should speak and behave instead of inquiring. It was also assumed that I smelt like curry; a spicy food that I rarely ate.
It was a fascinating case study in what causes the sense of separation. What I perceived as shared history & language, was trampled on in favour of demarcation, I was put in my place again and again & told to toe the line.
Comparatively, living in England was wonderful. Learning about equal opportunities & the rights I had as a person of colour was both illuminating & exciting. I was treated fairly and welcomed as an equal when I lived in London and Cornwall. Except for now & then when I was called a “Paki” which is short for Pakistani, I felt celebrated for the diversity I brought into the amalgamation of cultures that is England.
Then came the moment to visit the USA to fulfil my husband’s life long dream of living in a camper. Once, when politely asking for directions in an area known for deeply rooted racism, I was told off in expletive-ridden language. People of colour are highly trained in reading body language, social cues and picking up on racial discrimination. We’ve been reconciled to studying it all our lives. I was astonished to see people recoil when I spoke or approached. My husband thought it prudent to avoid huge swathes of the country as a biracial couple to steer clear of trouble, discrimination and possible safety concerns. That blew my mind! To think that my life could be in danger just because of my skin colour.
The Black American plight moved me & George Floyd’s brutal death struck a highly tense nerve within me. My brother, John Chandran died a tragic death at the hands of the police. Indeed, he was sometimes on the wrong side of the law. Prior to his death he had been beaten up with a steering wheel lock & left for dead by some truckers. Due to a previous record, he was wrongfully taken into lock-up by the police where he was denied heart medication that resulted in death by pulmonary embolism. He was denied a fair trial, our family was denied justice.
George Floyd’s last words were “I can’t breathe”.The effects of race discrimination are suffocating. Racism is evidently ubiquitous. This oppression has to end.
Demonstrators laid siege to the 3rd police precinct building in Minneapolis and stormed it after police abandoned their post. After looting the building, they set it ablaze. The protests and riots that began here in Minneapolis spread across the US & forced everyone all over the world to take an honest, piercing look at racism. It has not all been in vain. Change is upon us, the Minneapolis city council has decided to dismantle the police department to create a new transformative model for cultivating safety in this city.
However, I couldn’t ignore the words “Did it have to come to this?” that kept echoing in my head as I walked through the burnt down ruins in Minneapolis. It felt like a war-torn country. The result of tremendous rage and injustice, a direct manifestation of an unacknowledged inner state.
Misunderstood. Neglected. Dismissed. Deeply hurt. Overlooked. Unheard. Unacknowledged. Rejected.
A human. A heart. A soul.
I understood it. Those identical inner states live in me & that anger has manifested through me.
In my journey of healing from sexual abuse and coming into wholeness, I penetrated the mystery of colour that led me to India. Through yoga, I came to confront everything I had been running away from. Deep within the recesses of my body was all the stored trauma. I discovered through devoted practice that the body keeps score of all that had ever been & it was trapped in my nervous system and energy body. The mysterious & vibrant science of Tantra helped me bear witness to the deep hurt, damaged self-worth & my broken sexuality. My steadfast desire to heal myself served as a guiding light. Under the guidance of masters, I learnt to redirect and channel potent sexual energy into these traumas within the body, thereby releasing what no longer served me. This extraordinary & deeply challenging inner voyage culminated in complete forgiveness & compassion for my equally damaged, deceased brother. In the powerful flow of this growth & profound arousal that came from the depths of me, I reconciled with my Indian grandparents, my Indian heritage and most importantly, with myself.
Our nervous systems are currently under great duress. The pandemic & recent events have triggered us immensely. Our nervous systems are overloaded. Dr.Dan Sigel, a renowned psychiatrist coined the term Window of Tolerance, it is a zone of arousal in which a person can function most effectively. When one is out of the window of tolerance, it can go in two ways. Hyperarousal, which may look like anger, anxiety, overwhelm, flight or flight. The other is Hypoarousal, marked by feeling frozen, listlessness, numbness or shutting down.
Using the power of breath, we can breathe to expand our window of tolerance so that we can cope with new challenges & demands in life. Breathwork can also discharge & end a cycle of activation or fear within the body. It gently allows a practitioner to slowly release the pent up energy that is stored in the body in a modulated and safe way. We can breathe into our pain, stress and traumas, thereby expanding our capacity to feel safe. We can take effective action. Using conscious connected breath as an invitation to all the neglected parts of ourselves. To welcome them with open arms & to release what is no longer needed. We drop into the body that is ever-ready to support us in healing and allow the thoughts to drift away.
The turmoil I felt from recent events & my relationship with racism was repurposed as fuel to write this article & to work with myself. I felt compelled to lean deeply into the discomfort, to explore & share the potential for healing that lives in the core of the ugly & unseen beast called racism. Combined with heart centred awareness & compassion, community workshops specifically on transmuting racism via the body were birthed. They address the nervous systems of people of colour and expand resilience for those who identify as otherwise. If you feel called to do the inner work on racism to evolve at this pivotal time in history, here is your invitation.
Read more & register for the free community workshops here.
Take effective action & break out of the vicious cycle.
Listen to those of colour. Consider what centuries of racism have done to our nervous systems. Ask. Speak up!
Change.
It starts with us.
