Moving Beyond Shame
A sacred ritual for women
There’s this misconception that trauma is irreversible. For a long time, for the lack of transparency in the subject, I believed it too. Trauma is defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary as a “disordered psychic or behavioural state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury” & “an injury (such as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent”. The effects of trauma exposure from being wounded in a horrific accident to witnessing a gory death indubitably leave physical and psychological effects that fortunately can be treated by western medicine. But how do we heal trauma of a sexual nature? Every day women are bombarded with stimuli that is demeaning. The ubiquitous artificially scented feminine hygiene washes aisle hints that our lady parts are or unclean, dirty & smelly. The trauma caused by sexual rejection or objectification that damages one’s view of oneself. The countless magazines that shamelessly tell us that we should invest heavily in how we look, that we are imperfect as we are. We ought to make love like a veritable goddess, please our men and have the most epic orgasms without ever addressing the topic that’s on any woman’s mind when she vulnerably bares herself…
Shame
Shame can be paralyzing. It can prevent women from accessing their immense potential for pleasure and result in the inability to make an honest human connection with the opposite sex. The rejection of the vulva has insidious physiological & psychological effects. Coupled with the lack of knowledge of one’s own body & self-pleasure, orgasm can become unattainable.
Then there’s toxic shame, throughout my childhood, I experienced sexual trauma. I felt shame even though it was the younger of my two brothers who was my abuser. I believed something was wrong with me. As a young girl, that was all my system could process at the time. The far-reaching tentacles of shame slowly crept stealthily into all areas of my life.
It wasn’t until I committed to being free of all my residual sexual trauma that I came to see the insidious nature of shame first hand from an energetic perspective. Armed with immense determination I sat in a 10-day silent meditation retreat where I witnessed how my nervous system and energy system operated in response to shame & disgust.
Day 9 Journal Entry:
Whenever I scanned my body for very intense fear, anger, animosity, shame, aversion or was grossed out by something negative, I’d feel & see a huge energetic shock wave originating in the head, then a loud popping in the ears. It would travel through my whole body & explode in my vulva(near the clitoris) then heat would exit through all my pores but most noticeably my arms.How long had this been happening? I saw it all line-up…the emotions related to those words retriggered me. All unobserved strong, negative triggers culminate in an uncontrollable shock wave that passes through the body and ends in the vulva.
I had connected all of the triggers to my vulva.
All negative emotions to my vulva.
All aversion, hatred & disgust to my vulva.
All uncontrollable sensations to my vulva.
My vulva was the containment area for all these emotions. The source of discontent.
Tears came streaming down my eyes. I left the meditation hall & went to my room to sit down and talk to my vulva. I told her how sorry I was that I subconsciously hated her & that I had connected all my discontent to her. I told her I loved her as she was and that this was the beginning of a new relationship based on appreciation and all good things. I wept. I knew a beautiful ritual was in order & my husband Tim would be participating. I rubbed my pubic hair & told them I will not abhor them anymore. I saw the link between my rejection of my vulva and the tumultuous relationship I had with her that took shape in the crass sexual encounters I craved, my relationship with frequent urination, infections and the inability to orgasm.
After witnessing first-hand how my nervous system was being retraumatized and that it kept me in a perpetual agitated state, I concluded that shame and sexual trauma have not only psychological and physiological effects but also energetic effects. There must be a way to heal trauma of a sexual nature & that’s what I set to find out…
I went in search of a holistic approach to understand what was brewing in my inner universe. It took me to India where Tantra yoga found me. Through this science of energy, I started to find answers to all the phenomena that were occurring inside me and I learnt to manage my sexual energy without suppressing it or releasing it, instead it was channelled towards spiritual pursuits. The body-affirming Tantric vision helped me to acquaint myself with my procreative energy, purify it & understand the immense power that it holds without shame. In fact, Tantra gave me the tools to heal myself to such a degree that I could transcend my sexual trauma. Thence began the most passionate love affair with myself.
The time had come…I decided to celebrate my 38th birthday by performing an ancient & sacred Tantric ritual called Yoni Puja. In Sanskrit, Puja means worship & Yoni signifies a gateway, an oval, a portal, origin or source of all things. The abstract form of this original source is represented by the female genitalia as it is a manifestation of the creative power of divine feminine energy.
I chose a secluded nudist beach and began with setting up camp. By nightfall, I was ready for an elaborate and detailed worship ceremony for my yoni. I had prepared flowers, fruit, berries & rice as offerings. Yoghurt, coconut oil, water, honey & milk were also used to represent the elements. I memorized a powerful mantra and made a sacred space to worship myself. I found myself to be determined, highly focussed and in a meditative state. I went into the ocean naked as the day I was born. Cleansed I was, ready to let go of all the residual shame, pain and embrace myself fully, wholly and completely.
I began by consecrating each liquid and pouring it over my yoni, the divine libations collected in a little silver bowl just beneath. I invoked Kundalini with the Adi Shakti mantra and went deeper & deeper into expanded states. I imploringly wished for her to remove all the residual energetic imprints related to the sexual trauma from me and that I be shown the full possibility of what Tantra can be. Tim, my husband also participated by pouring the liquids on my yoni, meditating with me & making his wish. We concluded by sharing the delicious & sweet elixir that had collected beneath my yoni from the pouring of the sacred libations.
Shortly after my birthday ritual, I began to experience the entire ambit of full body energetic orgasms & mystical states. I came to understand that I had transcended the final obstacle from my sexual trauma past. Immediately, I was compelled to facilitate events for women centred around trauma. I knew from experiential knowledge that sexual trauma could be transcended. Therefore, anything is indeed possible!
I started working with women from all walks of life with every sort of concern around pain, shame, trauma, anger, self-love and pleasure. This organically grew into facilitating red tents, workshops on trauma release, Tantra and coaching sexual trauma survivors.
After a couple of years of intense learning & growing from working with women, the Moving Beyond Shame workshop was born. It’s centred on confronting shame as well as the process of allowing & letting go of subconscious judgements to discover what lies beyond. Yoni Puja is central to the workshop which begins with creating a beautiful altar from a selection of pretty flowers, ferns, candles and rocks that are placed before the yonis. Women come prepared to bare their yonis and their identified shame. Nudity is always optional, many go bare with sarongs for coverage. Yoni gazing comes next, each woman is given a mirror, many women look & admire their yonis for the very first time. There are tears, release and delight! For many, it’s a day of reckoning, acceptance and effusive love and appreciation. In the company of other women who are equally vulnerable, they find support, comfort and understanding. We are so distinctly beautiful after all! Sensitizing techniques are taught that bring more circulation and awareness to the yoni. “Aha!” moments and giggles fill the room! Women accept being in the dark about their pleasure & resolve to make a change. Self-neglect is discarded in favour of owning their pleasure and power.
It concludes with an authentic and beautiful group share. Women who have suffered at the hands of the opposite sex voice their shame & sadness for not acknowledging this sacred part of themselves. In such a safe, supportive space where all cards are on the table, topics of sexuality, body shame & expression are discussed with fierce abandon. Great release, joy, excitement & laughter fills the air. The shame is allowed to pass through and leave the mind and body.
The women leave feeling intoxicated with love and appreciation for themselves. They take their flower arrangements back home and admire themselves some more and share their photos with me with endless gratitude. They share how their relationships with their bodies have changed and how they invite more pleasure into their lives. The beautifully drawn yoni images in this article were created by a workshop participant. She moved beyond feeling shame about her yoni into love & newfound reverence and was able to express this through her drawings.
I think of how the women arrived; so shy, nervous, fidgety, quiet and how they leave absolutely bursting with delirious joy and excitement about discovering themselves. It leaves me feeling tremendously honoured to be a part of their journey and grateful to have found the means to transform my sexual trauma into healing for other women.
Moving Beyond Shame is offered internationally. You can read reviews & register your interest here.
Are you ready to Acknowledge & Heal Sexual Trauma?
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